They looked to have fallen off the small [[dry-stone wall]] that ran adjacent to the [[footpath]] and along the opposite side of the garden to the [[hedge]].
A bit like [[small brass nails]] only with a twist to them. They usually need something with which to unscrew them.
Wizened little green creatures that hoarded [[gold]] and scampered about in packs.\n\n"A bit like the shoppers at the local Asda," smirked [[Balrog]].
The period of snow, ice and freezing winds .. not unlike the basic British [[Summer]] come to think of it.
Coveted by everybody, hoarded by [[Goblins]] and sought after for centuries. This stuff has caused more battles than a '50% off' offer at Asda on a Friday morning.
Too many to mention but the vast majority of them were definitely [[ants]].\n\nHowever there was also a large [[spider]] in residence as was obvious by the large [[web]] that straddled the face of the [[dry-stone wall]].
A brown, foamy liquid served in pewter tankards and known by the name of '[[Dragon's Breath]]'.
Perfectly round in shape and polished to a dull sheen by the numerous hands that had gripped it over the years. Normally used when [[Balrog]] needs to open the [[door]].
Rusted beyond use ...\n\nA [[small hairy worm]] was curled up nearby.
A race of wandering nomads who were once highly sought after for their intelligence and mastery of magic. They are now believed to be extinct having been slaughtered at the [[beaks]] of an armada of [[Korats]] during a sneak attack.\n\nBy a cruel twist of fate the only known survivor of the [[Korats]] (they themselves having been slaughtered by the [[Grundar]]) is desperately searching for a [[Maronod]] in order to heal its crippled wing and thereby allow it to avenge the slaughter of its race.
[[Balrog]] quickly scooped up the trusty old implement ...\n\n* <<choice "examine rusty shears">>\n* <<choice "use rusty shears">>
Clever sod!!
A cute creature, with bright eyes that dwells in the hollow tree-stumps of the [[Western Marshes]].
Place of the famous battle between the [[Korats]] and the [[Grundar]].
Judging by the neatly-nibbled edges it has been created by a very industrious (and talented) [[mouse]] - with very sharp teeth !!\n\nA long (very long) column of [[ants]] is currently filing their way through the [[hole]].
Unlike [[gold]], [[Goblins]] never fought battles over this metal.
Fast approaching 65 and still doing his best to keep [[ZENOBI SOFTWARE]] in the public-eye.
The [[adventure-writing system]] developed by a lazy old sod who could not be bothered to programme in all the other locations featured in a normal [[adventure-game]].
A member of a small tribe who dwell to the east of [[Ska Dhor]]. Basically farmers and hunters they live a peaceful, quiet life but were ever fearful of attacks by marauding [[Korats]].
All the [[clues]] have been filled in except for 13 across ...
A tree that grows widely in the '[[Western Marshes]]'.
Rumoured to have have escaped from the local zoo and found its way into the underground sewage system. \n\nIt was said to wander the [[sewers]] in search of victims and then clamp its teeth into the nether regions of the 'unsuspecting' when they were sat on the toilet, before dragging them down into the dark, damp, murky depths of the [[sewers]] to feast on their flesh.\n\nNow and again it missed and bit the toilet-[[seat]] instead ...
The means by which the smoke from the fire below escaped into the atmosphere .. it was also a handy spot for [[Rooks]] to build their nests
BEHIND CLOSED DOORS 5
The favourite food of the [[Rooks]] and the main reason they spent so much time perched on the [[roof]] of the [[house]].
Usually done with an ancient pair of [[rusty shears]] but last week [[Balrog]] had splashed out and bought himself a brand-new [[hedge-trimmer]] from the local branch of 'Do-it-all'.
[[Balrog]] always thought that it looked a bit like the paw of a [[surrel]] .. but it was just a small cylinder with a series of indents in it to anybody else.
A much prized item amongst the [[Grundar]] as they signified that a [[Grundar]] had become a warrior .. having done battle with the [[Korats]] and slain at least one of them. The [[talons]] were removed from each dead bird and then hung from the belt of the victorious [[Grundar]].They were also a sign of great sorrow for the [[Korats]] as they believed that their souls could not enter the afterlife unless the [[Korats]] themselves were 100% intact at the time of death. Thus those [[Korats]] that had their [[talons]] removed by the [[Grundar]] were destined to remain between worlds for all eternity.
A strange breed of folk - very prominent in the early 80s - who derived great pleasure from typing obscure words on the rubber keys of the once mighty [[Spectrum]].
The stuff that caused the scars on [[Balrog]]'s [[arse]] .. check out the '[[Behind Closed Doors]]' saga for a more in-depth explanation.
At this point [[Balrog]] took the opportunity to sneak into the un-attended [[house]].\n\nOnce inside he delved into his [[toolbox]] and found a tin of '[[plastic wood]]'. Clutching the tin in his sweaty little hand he crept back out again and soon filled the missing chunk of door-frame with a liberal amount of '[[plastic wood]]' dabbed on with his finger."\n\nThat should do that," he grumbled to himself. "Now just [[paint]] over it and the job will be as good as new."\n\n* [[paint frame]]
[[Balrog]]'s 'alter-ego' (or at least one of them) and the mischievious side of him.
[[Balrog]] delved under the [[hedge]] to find the can of [[paint]] he had casually tossed there when he had originally finished painting the [[door]], flipped it open and unpeeled the brush from the lid of the can. \n\n"Should be okay," he thought, there's only a few bristles missing" and dipped the brush into the [[paint]].\n\nA few moments later all was well and the [[door]] was once again back to its sparkling best. With that he jammed the lid back on to the can, stuck the brush on top of it and tossed it back under the [[hedge]].\n\n"Right, time to trim that damn [[rhubarb-patch]] before the 'love of my life' gives me earache again.\n\n* [[trim rhubarb]]
Floating brown things ... visit the '[[Crystal Lake]]' for further information.
The fine briar hedge seperated [[Balrog]]'s garden from that of the [[Orc]] that lived next door and was a constant thorn in [[Balrog]]'s side as it was forever needing [[trimming]].\n\nThere also appeared to be an old tin of [[paint]] nestling in the fallen [[leaves]] at the base of the [[hedge]].
Situated here is the pocket that usually contains the [[small brass key]] that will [[lock/unlock]] the [[door]] to the '[[smallest room]]'\n\n* <<choice "Get Key">>\n* <<choice "scratch arse">>
Never much use in a [[ZENOBI SOFTWARE]] adventure unless you were able to fathom out the thinkings of the illustrious [[Balrog]].\n\nQuick tips : \n\n1) The 'rewind' command is a little temperamental (bug-ridden).\n\n2) Use the 'bookmark' command to 'save' your game-position.\n\n3) You makes your 'choice' you takes your 'move'.\n\n4) Never stick your fingers in hot coffee.
Now this is a mythical thing .. supposedly comes after Spring and before Autumn but here in the United Kingdom has been known to appear in the middle of [[Winter]] (or at least it feels like it at times). \n\nTo those of us in the 'know' it generally consists of two days of sun followed by a week of thunderstorms.
[[Balrog]] looked around and was happy to see that nothing had changed .. there was still a small wooden [[shelf]] on the back of the [[door]], a nail (with [[squares]] of torn-paper hanging from it) on the right wall and some [[scribbling]] in the top left-hand corner of the left wall. Behind him the [[cistern]] was still firmly attached to the rear wall and the [[pipes]] connecting it to the [[toilet-bowl]] were also still there ... he sighed with contentment.\n\nA very large column of [[ants]] was marching across the flagged floor between a [[hole]] in the right-hand wall and a [[hole]] in the left-hand wall .. they were singing as they went - "Hi-Bees !, Hi-Bees ! Wearers of the Green."
Pleased with his work Balrog sauntered up the garden path in the hope of taking a quick nap before supper but [[Mrs Balrog]] was having none of it.\n\n"Think you have finished do you ?" she yelled. "No chance, get back down there and sort out the [[rhubarb-patch]] before I show you the sharp end of my tongue."\n\nWith that [[Balrog]] turned on his heels and trudged back down the path to the other end of the garden.\n\n* [[examine garden]]
Built from [[pine wood]] and held together with small [[brass screws]].
Rectangular in shape and held in place with three [[brass screws]].
A cantankerous old sod who thought nothing of playing '[[thrash-metal]]' music until the wee hours of the morning.
[[Balrog]] scratched the itch between the cheeks of his [[arse]] and felt much better for it.
The original '[[one location]]' adventure series that featured more swear words than some people would like to count and that developed a '[[cult]]' following in the late 80s.
The stub of a pencil, some sheets of paper, copious amounts of hot coffee and an imaginative mind.
"Hello my dear. come to inspect my work have you?" smiled [[Balrog]].\n\n"Yes, and it had better be up to scratch or else you will be in hot water you old sod." growled [[Mrs Balrog]].\n\n[[Balrog]] stood idly by as [[Mrs Balrog]] carried out her inspection and then heaved a great sigh of relief as she smiled and said "You've done a nice job there, so come into the [[house]] and let me rustle you up a quick snack and a pot of tea.\n\n"With a large grin on his face [[Balrog]] followed [[Mrs Balrog]] up the garden path and into the [[house]] .... \n\n"Perhaps with a bit of luck the good mood will last until bed-time," he thought to himself, as a large grin spread across his face and something began to stir in the region of his groin.\n\n* [[End]]
This is where [[Balrog]] 'stored' his gardening tools. A pile of decaying and rusting implements could be seen leaning against the base of the wall.\n\nThere is also a small [[hole]] at the base of the wall that looks to have been created by a [[mouse]] or something similar.\n\n* <<choice "crawl through hole">>\n* <<choice "get rusty spade">>\n* <<choice "get rusty hoe">>\n* <<choice "get rusty shears">>\n* <<choice "get rusty rake">>\n
Thanks for taking the time to play the game .. I fully appreciate it is not on par with the classic '[[Behind Closed Doors]]' saga but I only ever intended it as an excercise in the passing of time and to give a hearty wave to time as it went by.\n\nBALROG \ncopyright 2011
Constructed back when men were men and builders knew how to build, it stood proudly erect (unlike Balrog these days). A black [[drainpipe]] rose from the floor to the [[gutter]] that adorned the eaves and atop the [[roof]] stood a fine brick [[chimney]] (adorned with a bright red [[chimney pot]]).
The one place that [[Roal]] never ever wanted to visit .. it is said that creatures dwelt there that could kill with just a flick of their tail or a look of their eye. Huge monstrous creatures that would think nothing of feasting on a small [[halfling]] before breakfast.
A vast underground network of tunnels and chambers that conveyed all '[[waste products]]' into the '[[Brown Lake]]'.
A multi-legged beast that simply hated [[ants]] and was forever doing battle with them - when it was not spinning a [[web]] that is.\n\nNormally to be found wearing a green-hooped jersey and singing songs of war and strife.
Constructed from solid wood, it bore a few marks of use (and misuse) including one or two ominous [[teethmarks]]. However it served its function, albeit rather coldly on a [[Winter]]'s morn.
[[Balrog]] attempted to go indoors in whilst [[Mrs Balrog]] was not around, however he was not that fortunate and standing on the [[cat]]'s tail (again) did not help matters. \n\n"Hey dogbreath, just watch where you are treading !" snarled the [[cat]], then continued licking its [[nether regions]]. \n\n[[Mrs Balrog]] hearing the racket appeared, from out of nowhere and yelled "Don't bother trying to sneak back in here until you have finished your chores!!"\n\n[[Balrog]] turned around and stomped back down the garden path.\n
[[Balrog]] thought about it for a moment but decided that [[Mrs Balrog]] would notice the chunk missing from the door-frame no matter how much [[paint]] he slapped on it.
Another great adventure from [[ZENOBI SOFTWARE]] featuring a donkey, an elf, a giant, an archer, a swordsman and a thief, not to mention the Lizard-king himself.
Small creatures with large hairy feet and a great love of [[pipeweed]], [[ale]] and [[adventures]].
Once they had glistened in the early morning sunlight but these days the blades were dull and blunt ... they were simply some [[rusty shears]].
One of those new-fangled electric things that can devour a [[hedge]] (or a limb in a moment of careless abandon) in the twinkling of a [[surrel]]'s eye.
"Never mind laughing like a demented donkey, do something to help me before I end up pebble-dashing the path!!" stammered [[Balrog]].\n\n"Okay, keep your sphincter closed," snarled the [[Orc]], barging through the [[hedge]]. "Where do you keep your gardening-tools ?"\n\n"Round the [[side]]," snapped [[Balrog]] as the gurgling got louder.\n\n"Okay," smiled the [[Orc]] and quickly vanished back through the hedge again.\n\n"Must remember to repair that damage," thought [[Balrog]].
The reason [[Balrog]] came here in the first place ...\n\n* <<choice "Wait">>\n* <<choice "do the business">>
Cut from the forest that lay to the south of the '[[Western Marshes]]'
Solid grey-coloured lead, they serve their function well and have done so for many years .. such as it is. They also connected the [[cistern]] to the [[toilet-bowl]].
The other 'alter-ego' of the [[Balrog]], only this time it is the 'wicked' one. Full of pith, vinegar and downright abrasiveness.
[[Balrog]] was a wiser person these days and before doing that he stood up ... there was a loud 'whoosh' and few gallons of icy-cold water flowed down the connecting [[pipes]] and into the [[toilet-bowl]].\n\nWhen the flow had ceased [[Balrog]] sat back down again .....
The highlight of [[Balrog]]'s morning or in some cases, a whole day if the [[clues]] were a bit tricky.
[[Balrog]] stood in front of the small hut at the bottom of the garden and contemplated his next move.\n\n* [[fix door]]
[[Balrog]] quickly inserts it into the [[keyhole]], clicks it left and then turns the [[doorknob]] to open the [[door]] ... nothing happens !! He tries again .. still no success .. one more try .. still nothing happens.Taking a deep breath [[Balrog]] steps backs and peers at the [[door]]. It is then that he notices the problem ... he has painted over the edges of the [[door]] and the paint has now dried, forming a solid connection to the edges of the door-frame. The [[door]] is wedged tightly shut !!!! \n\nJust then [[Balrog]] senses a rumbling in the pit of his stomach and an ominous gurgling noise starts to echo around the garden.\n\nFrom the other side of the [[hedge]] comes the sound of hearty laughter and some '[[thrash-metal]]' music.\n\n* [[Talk to Orc]]
Hoarding of [[gold]] by the [[Goblins]] meant that finances were tight these days so staff cuts had had to be made ... as a result there was only one reporter on the staff, who also served as the 'delivery-boy'.
Neatly torn from the pages of old copies of the [[Goblin Gazzette]] and hung on the nail.\n\n* [[get paper]]
Free-lance writer (and traveller) of great reknown and the man responsible for the best '[[adventure-column]]' of the 80s.
The game that started [[John Wilson]]'s journey through the '[[Shyre]]' and introduced '[[Bulbo Bigguns]]' to the general public.
Dull grey in colour, with a neat little drawstring at the waist and three useful pockets .. one on each side and one at the [[rear]].\n\nAll you will find in the side ones are loads of grey fluff and the odd half-eaten mint.
Reaching down [[Balrog]] picked up some of the [[stones]].\n\n* [[throw stone]]
An immense rocky outcrop that stood on the edge of the [[Wastelands]] and was the roosting-place of the [[Korats]].
A fine example of the [[spider]]'s art, it served both as a home and as trap for unsuspecting [[insects]].
A text-driven game whereby the player negotiates their way via the means of complex text commands and puzzle-solving .. none of which you will find in this load of codswallop .. but nonetheless the means by which [[Balrog]] has been earning his living for the past 25 years.
13 across .. four letter word pertaining to a female and ending in '[[unt]]'.
People who are willing to deprive themselves of normal creature comforts just to be able to type in such commands as '[[Fart]]', '[[Wait]]', '[[Shit]]' and '[[Help]]'.
Today marks a very important moment in the history of [[ZENOBI SOFTWARE]] as it is the day that [[Balrog]] finally put together a new [[adventure-game]], albeit a load of crap such as this.\n\nOn a brighter. more positive note November 1st 2011 will long be remembered as the day the Earth's population reached a massive 7 Billion people.
The being that is known as '[[The Rochdale Balrog]]' and the thinking and creative talent behind the legendary [[ZENOBI SOFTWARE]] empire.\n\nIn a nutshell .. a slightly overweight, diabetic, grey-haired old man with a head full of dreams who is fast approaching retirement.
"I have returned ... [[Balrog]] '2011"
[[Balrog]] gripped the [[doorknob]] and gave it a quick turn but the [[door]] refused to budge.
A filling compound made from ground [[surrel]] droppings mixed with the oil of the '[[Chesanut tree]]'.
The word is 'Aunt' ... you never thought it was anything else did you ??\n\n* <<choice "Yes">>\n* <<choice "No">>
A right pair of rascals, these two young [[Boggits]] were responsible for more sleepless nights than [[Balrog]] could care to remember - not to mention the infamous 'Bum glued to toilet seat' [[escapade]] of the late 80s.\n\n* [[talk to Fuddo & Slam]]
Small, twisted and brown, they formed a nice bed for anything that might find its way under there.\n\nJust then a [[small hairy worm]] peeked its head out from under them and then quickly drew it back in again.
Lengthy treks across inhospitable lands whilst battling evil creatures and looking for hidden treasure.\n\nCheck out '[[An Everyday Tale Of A Seeker Of Gold]]' for a nice example of this.
The local newspaper, full of interesting articles, in-depth reviews and rivetting news. It also features a great [[crossword]] on page 16.
Taking careful aim [[Balrog]] chucked a stone in the direction of the [[Rooks]] sat on the [[roof]] of the [[house]]\n\n* <<choice "lucky">>\n* <<choice "unlucky">>
[[Balrog]] quickly stuffed the [[small brass key]] back into his [[arse-pocket]].
by The Rochdale Balrog
Dirty sod!!!
Constructed from numerous small stones laid one on top of another, it served as a barrier to the outside world and a home to the multitude of [[insects]] that frequented the garden.
Part of the legendary '[[Behind Closed Doors]]' saga and the cause of not only some head-scratching from the [[adventurers]] of that time but also for the scar tissue that now adorned [[Balrog]]'s [[arse]].
Not until [[Balrog]] has finished his '[[business]]' ...
Broken and useless ... "It was a good job I bought that new '[[hedge-trimmer]]' last week," thought [[Balrog]].\n\n* [[plug in trimmer]]
"Hmm," he thought, "I've made a bit of a balls of that."\n\nLooking at the [[door]] he noticed a chunk of the frame was missing and some of the [[paint]] had been scratched.\n\n* <<choice "fix frame">>\n* <<choice "fix paint">>
Once filled with beautiful crystal-clear blue water .. that was before the strange floating, brown 'things' started to appear in it.
Totally useless .. even in desperate times like these.
Tiny black multi-legged insects that have crossed [[Balrog]]'s path on more than one occasion.\n\nFor a more in-depth explanation check out the '[[Behind Closed Doors]]' saga.
[[Balrog]] scratched his [[arse]] and admired his handiwork. It was a fine sunny day and the warm rays of the sun glistened off the shiny new [[paint]] that now adorned the [[door]] in front of him. [[Mrs Balrog]] would be pleased with his efforts as she had been nagging him for months to do something about 'that eye-sore at the bottom of the garden'.\n\nJust then the sound of stifled [[laughter]] echoed across the garden and [[Balrog]]'s stomach rumbled ominously. \n\n* <<choice "open door">>\n* <<choice "go to bed">>
Rusty, bent and broken .. totally useless
A very interesting article on how to economise on the weekly shopping-bill by boiling up your potato-peelings to make a cheap soup .. just add a pinch of pepper and a sprinkle of ground almond essence for [[flavour]].
The 'power behind the throne' and the one thing that keeps [[Balrog]] in line - most of the time. \n\nShe is also the love of his life but has a wicked tongue when angry.
[[Balrog]]'s pride and joy, though he had been neglecting it lately .. well it was the [[Trolls]] v [[Goblins]] test series and things had reached quite an exciting stage .. perhaps it was time he tidied it up as the leaves needed [[trimming]].
A nice shade of 'Autumn Brown' that [[Balrog]] had liberally applied to all surfaces of the [[door]] and frame .. and quite a bit of himself as well.
[[Balrog]] quickly nipped back to the [[house]] and attempted to sneak in whilst [[Mrs Balrog]] was not looking. However he was not that lucky (or quiet) and standing on the [[cat]]'s tail did not help matters. \n\n"Hoi fatso, just watch where you are treading !" growled the [[cat]] as it looked up from licking its nether regions. \n\n[[Mrs Balrog]] hearing the racket appeared from out of the kitchen and yelled "Don't bother trying to sneak back in here until you have finished your chores!!"\n\n[[Balrog]] turned around and shuffled back down the garden path.\n\n* [[rethink]]\n\n
A very important (and useful) command when it comes to extricating yourself (and Balrog) from a sticky predicament.\n\nFor a more in-depth explanation just check out the '[[Behind Closed Doors]]' series of adventures.
Once a trusty implement when it came to [[trimming]] the hedge but now casually tossed to one side since the arrival of the new electric [[hedge-trimmer]].
Rectangular in shape, about 2" thick and not unlike the tiles on the [[roof]] of the [[house]], except that they were bigger.
Built from large [[flagstones]] laid end to end, it usually kept [[Balrog]]'s [[slippers]] from getting muddy in wet weather.
A small wizened face peered out of the window and yelled, "Sod off you stupid prat!!"
Constructed from stout timbers and neatly fitted with a couple of brass [[hinges]], a round brass [[doorknob]] and a small brass [[keyhole]], it was the way in and out of the '[[smallest room]]'.
Constructed from [[pine wood]] nailed together with [[small brass nails]], it was where [[Balrog]] kept his copy of the [[Goblin Gazzette]].\n\n* read [[Gazzette]]
A reasonably neat and tidy affair, with a flagged [[footpath]] running directly between the [[house]] and the '[[smallest room]]'. Off to one side stands a tall fairly impenetrable briar [[hedge]], the sort of wood [[briar-pipe]]s are carved from, whilst on the other side lies the [[rhubarb-patch]].
To [[Balrog]]'s dismay his trusty old [[shears]] lay broken on the path - the effort to wedge open the [[door]] had proved to much for them and one of the blades had broken in half .. they were useless for cutting rhubarb.\n\n\n\n
Totally useless .. even in desperate times like these.
Oval in shape and the place where the [[small brass key]] was inserted in order to [[lock/unlock]] the [[door]].
A small [[halfling]] who once fought at the side of the [[Grundar]] and in return was given a set of [[talons]] to hang from his belt.
The black-feathered denizens of the sky, with sharp [[beaks]] and deadly [[talons]].
Home of the '[[Boggits]]' and the scene of many [[adventures]].
[[Balrog]] reached out, took hold of the [[Goblin Gazzette]] and began to flick through its pages ... however owing to '[[budget cuts]]' there was only one article, one review and one item of news. Thankfully the best bit was still in place though.\n\nread\n* <<choice "article">>\n* <<choice "review">>\n* <<choice "news">>\nor\n* <<choice "do crossword">>
Ornately carved from briar-wood, they are used by [[Boggits]] for the consumption of [[pipeweed]].
[[Balrog]] did not have to be prompted to do just that, as for one thing his stomach was gurgling very loudly and for another he had just remembered the tale about the [[Rattigator]] in the [[sewers]] with a fondness for 'soft, pink, flabby bits'.\n\nSo bearing down hard [[Balrog]] let out an almighty 'Fffaarrrttt!!' and evacuated his bowels.\n\nForty minutes later, as the last tendrils of green gas wafted their way up to the sky, [[Balrog]] wiped his [[arse]], arose and pulled up his [[pants]]. "Right, better fix that bloody [[door]] before [[Mrs Balrog]] sees what I have done to it."\n\n* go [[outside]]
A vast area of wetlands that was home to [[Roal]] and his tribe.
Not unlike [[Korats]] just a lot smaller and not quite as fierce. They are very fond of splashing about in rainwater and sitting on the [[chimney pot]].
"Yuk!" thought [[Balrog]], "You are not going to get much of a decent taste from that."
An intrepid lover of [[adventures]] and hero of many a tale. Check out '[[Bulbo and the Lizard-King]]' for further details.
Dropping the rusty shears to the ground [[Balrog]] stepped into the '[[smallest room]]', untied the small drawstring that held his [[pants]] up and settled down on to the cold [[seat]] of the [[toilet-bowl]].\n\n* [[look around]]\n* [[do the business]]
Formed from little square, grey tiles it offered shelter from the weather and a resting place for [[Rooks]].
A 'mini-me' of the [[Cat]], [[Balrog]] had found it asleep in the [[leaves]] under the [[hedge]] one day and took pity on it.\n\nSpends a lot of time sleeping on top of the [[kitchen table]] and the rest licking its '[[nether regions]]'.
Legendary warriors of the Northlands and famous for their wearing of the [[talons]] of fallen [[Korats]].
It is better not to ask .. or discuss it .. if you value your kneecaps.
"Sounds to me as though somebody has just thrashed their instrument to within an inch of its life before trying to play it", thought Balrog.
Made from the same metal as the [[small brass key]].
...... waiting
[[Balrog]] cocked his head to one side and listened carefully ... it sounded to him like it was those scamps [[Fuddo & Slam]] again.\n\nScratching his head, he wondered just what mischief they could be up to this time ???
[[Balrog]] stood at the bottom of the path for a moment or two and had a complete re-think concerning his plans to enter the [[house]]. Then it came to him - he would have to distract [[Mrs Balrog]] attentions and sneak in then.\n\nLooking around he noticed some small [[stones]] lying on the soil near the [[rhubarb-patch]].\n\n* [[get stone]]
Fluffy little things with the head of a [[Maronod]] sewn on to each toepiece.\n\n"Only £2.99 from Asda," thought [[Balrog]].
[[Balrog]] delves into his [[arse-pocket]] and drags out the [[small brass key]].\n\n* <<choice "Replace Key">>\n* <<choice "Use Key">>\n
Home of the [[Balrog]], the [[Cat]] and the [[Cockroach]] and producer of numerous adventure titles throught the 80s and 90s.\n\n[[Zenobi|http://zenobi.co.uk/]]
Bright red in colour .. or did you miss that in the previous description ??
To found on the rear of [[Balrog]]'s [[pants]].
A solid affair constructed from [[cast-iron]] and inscribed with the legend 'Shanks of Stranraer'. A [[small chain]] hung from the side of it.\n\n* [[pull chain]]
Used to convey the excess rainwater from the [[gutter]] to the drain, they were wrapped in 'razor-wire' in order to prevent any little scamps climbing up them.
Small scuttling creatures that adore '[[Green-cheese]]' ... and biting lumps off the [[cat]]'s tail when it is sleeping.
That place just below a [[cat]]'s tail that seems to attract an awful lot of [[cat]]'s attention.
"Just what the f*ck are you two little scamps up to now ?" asked [[Balrog]]. "If I as much as see a tube of [[superglue]] within six feet of my toilet-[[seat]], let alone my [[arse]], you will be feeling the wide end of my boot up your behinds."\n\nA loud chuckle was heard from the beneath the briar-[[hedge]].
This was the place where [[Balrog]] came to contemplate the affairs of the world, read his daily [[Goblin Gazzette]] and do the [[crossword]], not to mention relieve himself of his bodily fluids.
..... more by luck than judgement he hit the unlucky one that was perched on the [[chimney pot]] and amidst a great flurry of soot, feathers and dust, it tumbled down the [[chimney]] before emerging in a cloud of soot and scampering around the corner of the [[house]].\n\nSome moments later [[Mrs Balrog]] came dashing out the [[house]] yelling "[[Rooks]], bloody [[Rooks]]!!" and dashed around the corner of the [[house]] after the fleeing bird.\n\n"I pity those [[Rooks]] now ... she's off to borrow a shotgun," thought [[Balrog]], "now is my time to go indoors."\n\n* <<choice "go indoors">>\n* <<choice "sneak in">>
Actually it was an old 'Asda' carrier-bag held together with a length of string but normally the home of the '[[plastic wood]]' tin.
A curious collection of dried leaves that was stuffed into a [[briar-pipe]], before being set fire to and inhaled into the lungs of the silly sod daft enough to smoke it.
Ugly, pock-marked crearures with about as much sense as a [[mouse]] with a lobotomy.
Once again [[Balrog]] sneaked back into the [[house]], wary of being spotted by [[Mrs Balrog]], and quickly plugged in the extension lead.\n\n* [[cut rhubarb]]
Could belong to either [[Balrog]] or the [[Rattigator]]. For a more in-depth explanation check out the '[[Behind Closed Doors]]' saga.
A fine example of the art of procelain production .. it stood squarely on the floor of the '[[smallest room]]' and served as a nice receptacle for unwanted bodily fluids or [[waste products]].\n\n[[Balrog]] had spent many happy hours here contemplating his thoughts and its virtues.
Made from brass links joined together, it had a small, ornate [[handle]] at one end.
A supposedely mythical creature but [[Balrog]] swears he saw one on his way home from the '[[Prancing Ogre]]' one night last [[Summer]].
A couple of pages of hints, tips and solutions to the [[adventure-game]]s of the day - commonly found in the computer magazines of the 80s and 90s.
The implement of death for the [[Maronod]] race, or so legend has it.\n\nPerhaps one of them survived the onslaught ....
The local Inn, where the punter can partake of a fine tankard of foaming '[[Dragon's Breath]]' and a '[[Green-cheese]]' sandwich.
Produced from fermented [[surrel]]'s milk, this cheese is usually eaten between two slices of toasted bread.
Once known as the '[[Crystal Lake]]' it was part of the National Park and a very popular tourist resort - for [[Trolls]].
The stub of a pencil, some sheets of paper, copious amounts of coffee and an imaginative mind. \n\n(copyright [[ZENOBI SOFTWARE]] 1987)
Bigger than it used to be in the 80s but also a lot flabbier .. comes from all the time the lazy sod has spent sitting on the damn thing.\n\nNeatly criss-crossed with a fine network of scar tissue where the '[[superglue]]' took its toll ...
Fixed to the edge of the [[roof]] it caught the off-flow of rainwater and transported it to the black [[drainpipe]]. Judging by the way they were dripping they were either full of leaves (again!) or else the [[Rooks]] had been using them for bathing in.
Finely crafted from solid brass and ornately carved with the head of a [[Unicorn]].
[[Balrog]] walked around the the front of the '[[smallest room]]' and then, taking a firm grip of the [[rusty shears]], inserted the blades between the [[door]] and the door-frame and began to wiggle them forcibly - with luck they would crack the dried [[paint]] and allow the [[door]] to swing open.\n\nSome moments later there was a loud 'Crraacckkk!!, followed by a muffled '[[Shit]]!' as [[Balrog]] smacked himself in the face with the edge of the now-open [[door]].\n\n* go [[inside]]
Emerging from the [[house]] and dragging the lead behind him, [[Balrog]] made his way to the [[rhubarb-patch]]. Once there he began to wield it like a [[Grundar]] warrior.\n\nSome moments later there was a loud screaming and [[Fuddo & Slam]] leapt out from under the cover of the [[rhubarb-patch]] and scampered off in the direction of the briar-hedge.\n\nAs [[Balrog]] tidied up the remains of the rhubarb-patch [[Mrs Balrog]] came from around the corner of the [[house]] clutching a large sawn-off [[shotgun]].\n\n"Whoops," thought [[Balrog]], "time for them [[Rooks]] to hide in the [[gutter]]."\n\n* [[talk to Mrs Balrog]]
The computer that started the great empire now known as '[[ZENOBI SOFTWARE]]' and responsible for the arithritic pains now prevalent in [[Balrog]]'s old finger-joints.
Lucky for [[Balrog]] it missed the [[attic window]] and whizzed right over the top of the [[house]], landing with a 'Kerrpluunk!' on the other side of the [[roof]].
The nickname given to [[John Wilson]] by the writer [[Mike Gerrard]] and something that has stuck with him ever since.
This is part of the '[[Behind Closed Doors]]' saga NOT 'Alice in Freakin' Wonderland' so how do you expect a big fat twat like [[Balrog]] to squeeze through that little [[hole]]?
To do either you will need the [[small brass key]] that is usually located in [[Balrog]]'s [[arse-pocket]].
Brewed in the foothills of the [[Northern hills]], it has been known to cause temporary blindness but also to cure warts.\n\nBeloved by the customers of the '[[Prancing Ogre]]'.
An in-depth review of the latest video-game "Call of Duty : MW99" in which the reviewer refers to the 'incredible life-like visuals' and 'game-enhancing sound', it is just a pity you need to piggy-back six PCs together in order to run the damn thing!!
Probably an apt description for this little collection of mindless thoughts and useless meanderings.
